No movement at the station 

Crazy achiever that’s me, whilst others are counting their blessings to have a roof over their head and treasuring their home and family I am purusing every internet site available with catch phrases such as “become your best self” “find your purpose” “how to be successful in 30 days. As a self declared self help and motivational speaker addict I went to sleep with my earphones in listening to Tony Robbins. I must confess I still don’t feel like my best self. At this stage in my life I have decided instead of wishing my life away I will enjoy the rest of this year and revel in my lack of achievement . 

For the rest of the year I shall became a slacker and do things such as going out for dinner, watching movies and sitting on the lounge. I even made chocolate brownies and red velvet cupcakes in one week. Miracle of miricales I put away the clothes for the first time in years.

The best thing I think I have done is started praying and reading the bible again.

My faith once such a big part of my life has been superceeded by my need to achieve to prove that nothing can stop me. Sometimes to be a winner you have to lose something first. I am letting go of my need to control everything and just be. I sat at the beach for several hours today watched the rain fall, walked over a pretty bridge and just let myself be free just for a little while, free from e-mails , expectations , never ending targets and deadlines. Driving , needing approval and someone to tell me I am worth something. There is no movement at the station and that’s ok there is movement in me, I have learned to be at peace with myself .

I know who i am and who I want to be and everything else is the space in between days. 

Advertisements

The Five Year Plan

goals

I had a little chuckle to myself this morning, actually no lets be honest there was a moment of great sadness and even frustration when in searching for a notebook with blank pages within, I stumbled across an old journal containing my 2010 goals. In short my five year plan.

Here was the list

  1. Lose ten kilos
  2. Obtain a promotion at work or elsewhere obtain an executive high paying position
  3. Buy a new home
  4. Make new friends
  5. Put my husband through a university course
  6. Have 4 children

Now suffice it to say I have actually hit none of these goals , I have actually made some steps towards these goals, such as occasionally attending the gym or contemplating what my life would be like with children. Goal number four is of little interest to me now as I am fast approaching the time of my life where I can’t take on too many new friends due to my current friends list that is full to capacity.

On the whole I have to say however that although these goals appear to be hugely out of the ballpark considering its 2015, perhaps sometimes the things we want that we believe will make us happy are not as easy as we think they are going to be, Then there is the question of time, when is it the right time to surge forward or let go of goals?

Although no time ever appears to be a good time to shed those kilo’s with Christmas and Easter and birthday’s and all, the other goals are actually quite big goals and somehow tie into other aspects of life planning. Such as number one. In reflection my husband is currently completing a university course and I have just completed my masters of business university degree. Yes although I hit none of the above goals I have spent the majority of my time well over the last five years. University wasn’t a big consideration back then, however it does tie well into goal numbers 2 and 3 and goal number 5 will do the same. The problem is that now my life focus is shifting towards goal 5 of having children and working in the above goals will be very interesting to say the least. I am sure it is the plight of all women but hopefully goal five of putting my husband through university will be a key contributor.

I also in the least five years have acquired two more pets been married to my husband for almost 6 years, a massive achievement and actually made some progress in my career progression at work.

What I have learnt about goal setting , whether it be frivolous or intentional there is an element to the five year plan that is quite a contradiction in terms.

Some goals are out of our control, some goals change over time and having it all syndrome is actual a real and present danger, there are times where we simply can’t ” have it all” and need to make a choice. However at this stage I am still okay being a 30 something year old blonde with plenty of ambition for my next round of goal setting.

Your flight has been delayed

This week two strange things happened, one I went to a conference and my return flight home was delayed and two I fell ill during a weekend away with friends.

We talk about fate , chances, signs and even at times random acts of the universe that seem to spiral out safe easy lives out of control.

One thing that I have been considering lately is, is there a reason for everything?

We all have those moments, your flight is cancelled, your car won’t start, a weekend away becomes a time to rest and recover from illness instead of a fun and exciting time with the girls.

On this journey called life things happen along the way you didn’t plan for and can’t change.

9 years ago I left my job in a corporate financial services company and through a series of signs and events wound up working in a not for profit organisation.

The last 9 years have been challenging at times difficult but unbelievably rewarding . At times I questioned my faith , my capabilities, my heart and my calling several times. I wondered if my twist of fate and change in roles and location had been an accident.

If anyone has seen the movie sliding doors you will know exactly what I am talking about. Is there a life somewhere else for us that we missed there somewhere? Did our flight get delayed and we missed an opportunity?
Or rather are we exactly where we need to be right now?

I have come to learn that some times it isn’t as much about what happens or even the apparent why things happen as to why our lives are thrown off course. It seems more that the journey changes us grows and moves us forward into the next season, the little things the big things , the hard things and the joyful things we experience maybe are not what we need to shy away from but what we need to learn to enjoy and accept as the next part of the road on our journey.

The inner ramblings ….reflection time

Okay so I said I was 30 something, I said I was blonde, did I mention crazy ? At this age being alone with your own thoughts can be a dangerous thing so I need to get out my reflective time on paper. I have taken stock on the last ten years of my life, what have I been doing? ?

I have been hanging out with the younger members of my team of late who have been asking me questions on how I got the position I have got , how I did it and what educated means did I have to win this fortune. One thing I was happy to share is that there is no one formula when it comes to success and although we are now living in a knowledge rich generation there is something to learn from starting at the bottom, life experience and over a decade of managing teams. Having said that my definition of success is determined by how I see the world and myself, regardless of how others might see me. At a leadership conference I went to recently I had a serious ah ha moment when we were all asked the epic question, how do you define success?

No I didn’t finish school and start straight away on my PHD and go straight out and get the job of my dreams.

I left high school at the age of 17 to pursue my career as a supermodel and ended up working in a modelling agency as an office co-ordinator. As time went on I got a real job and by the age of 19 I was supervising a small finance team after gaining work experience in a financial services company .  

Most of my work experience has come by chance, my life experience from learning from more talented individuals then myself and acknowledging my failures ( of which there are many) as well as recognising what I am not good at and not investing time into said areas.

I met my husband when I was 26 of which I define as my biggest achievement thus far as I found a man that could tolerate my whirlwind approach to life, my many ambitions and attempt to keep me grounded and focused on my goals.

My husband is a super grounded introvert. He loves me well despite the fact that my extraverted behaviour leads to public displays of which he finds horrifying for example dancing, karaoke ( and no I can’t sing) and always being the last one to leave a party. At times I have physically seen my husband rendered speechless. There are times he has had to leave the room , I feel for my husband that one day he might pass out from sheer embarrassment.

One good thing I did this year, I actually managed to recently graduate from my business degree, a fact that has shocked my family and many others. Since recovering from this dramatic realisation that I am an intelligent being they have moved onto hassling me about more important things , like how much weight I am gaining or when I am having a baby.

I find it amusing that a piece of paper can change someone’s perception of you and not been able to produce such a piece of paper when requested can render people unable to accept you as a competent human being in the workplace.

I must say on the whole even though I finished my degree never having to attend university and completing my studies by correspondence, intellectual people still scare me as I struggle to watch the news and be able to easily regurgitate the prediction of the next stock market crash or which member of parliament has been suspended for suspect behaviour. This is a skill that I admire and at times envy in others.

In reflection I would like to consider that I have not done to badly for myself, I am 30 something, I am married to a wonderful man who puts up with me, I have a rewarding job as a Contact Centre Manger in a not for profit organisation, I have some property and I am forever grateful for the selfless love of my pets. I volunteer at my local church with people who I consider my family.

In closing I shall offer a single prayer

“Dear God I pray that my experience will not go to waste, that I can use the skills and experience for the greater good and my sense of ambition will not fade with age. That I will be able to define success and I will not one day find myself working at the local supermarket because I have decided that everything I worked so hard for doesn’t matter to me anymore. “

Reflection is done, head is clear. It’s wine time.

Goodnight

The dirty 30’s

I am as the title suggests as a 30 something blonde woman, my real age I shall not reveal on the grounds that it may incriminate me. At the age of 30 something I have stopped being concerned about losing my looks and instead worry about losing my mind or somehow becoming disconnected with normal everyday people. I have learned to value intellect above outstanding fashion sense and never repeating an outfit. I have started going to bed at 10:30pm instead of getting ready to go out. I no longer head out social events every night of the week and every once in a while I find myself watching 60 minutes and at this stage in my life I might even discuss the show highlights and not be embarrassed.

When the day comes that I stop putting on my makeup in the car on the way to work or eating breakfast at 10:00am at my desk I will let you know. Whilst we are baring our souls I am also still a tremendously messy individual as well as a self declared self help book addict.

In terms of meeting my career goals, I have reservations at the moment about whether this is the perfect age for me to be gliding into the career of my chosen destiny or perhaps , more likely so am I past it and the 20 something’s with a raging sense of ambition will trump me in the interview process.

I have read a lot of self-help books about being successful reaching your goals and accomplishing your dreams. When it comes down to brass tax, I guess what I have come around is the fear of what you may have to sacrifice in order to have what you believe you always wanted and what if by the time you get it something else takes its place or you realise it’s not what you wanted anyway?

I still get stumped on those questions everyone asks you when you are down and out and disappointed with life, the dreaded “what’s your passion” and “what’s your goal?” In these times I think of Maria von trap in the sound of music. The comedic irony of the film is that her dream is to become a nun, however her extraverted personality is not quite in keeping with the order.

As one would image back in those days there were other suitable options to pledging one’s life to God, such as becoming a wife and looking after a household. Maria Von Trap upon deciding that a life in a convent was not for her did not then have to go and ponder whether she was going to become a micro biologist or a humble school teacher because the bills still needed to be paid and everyone deserves a rewarding career right?

Things seem to be much more complicated these days.

When I experience this down and out kind of feeling, the kind of advice I get these days and we know people love to give it! Mind you let it be known I don’t have the reverend mother to sing me climb every mountain when I get down and although I have taken a life in the convent off my available list of options I still wonder if there is more out there for me. Until then I shall remain blonde, 30 something and ponder life’s mysteries , like how do people who up for work fully made up and having eaten breakfast already? Not to mention how did I used to manage to go out at 10:30pm when nowadays my eyelids are firmly shut at that time. I am still however ready to climb every mountain until I get to where I am going.